juniberries | inbox

[ i was worried about you. lies. it's a lie. why would she be worried when she's obviously made it clear how she feels, and how she was so willing to immediately dismiss him as a monstrosity? it's nothing more than a manipulative bullshit lie in order to ensure that he remains firmly on their side.

why do they care. ]

What did you want me to say, Allura?

"Thank you for telling me that, try as I might, I become the thing I hate the most."
"My parents are insane, so good to know that I follow in their footsteps."
"I appreciate the information, let me share how I feel about my demise with someone who has made it clear they despise me."
"My apologies for going mad, I'll do better next time."

I didn't respond because I have nothing to say, and I asked you rather than your Paladins because I did not want to hear about my death or exhibit weakness to people who will take advantage of it.

I was obviously mistaken.

Do you need anything else?

I was not anticipating anything specific. It is just

[in her frustration, she accidentally hits the button to send the message sooner than anticipated, the calm feeling from the bath and the feeling of relief she felt after speaking with Keith to speak to Lotor having completely dissipated.

what she reads through his messages hurts. there is a lot about this that hurts. and again, she's back to thinking how it had always been far easier to simply hate and fight the Galra, as opposed to...this.

whatever this is.

she thinks to Shiro instead. thinks about what he wants for the team and Lotor. because it's easier than thinking what she wants.]

Regardless of how we may feel towards each other, I do not wish to keep secrets from you by way of omission. We must still work together for however long we remain with Astoria and the others of the Circle.
When I woke and learned of the destruction of Altea, of the death of my father and my people, I had Coran and I had the Paladins.

I do not know how I would have taken such revelations had I been alone.

[do you get??? what she's trying to say?????]

[ again, another lengthy silence, almost as if he's decided not to answer again. because the message is hard to digest. it's absurd. the entire thing is ridiculous. cut and run or don't, but these damn people seem to want it both ways. to have him around, but to keep him at an arm's length.

it's smart, really, all things considered. and lotor would be able to tolerate it, if it weren't for allura. ]

How "we" feel for one another?

I have told you things about myself that I have never told another soul, and I allowed myself to feel something for you. Believe whatever you wish of me, but my "evil scheme" would have been far easier if I cared nothing for you. I killed my own father; if I had truly wanted to kill you, I would have. But no, instead, I fell in love.

But you? You believe me to be a monstrosity. How long has that thought lingered in the back of your mind? Since we met, I imagine. And I also imagine you felt vindicated, that I proved whatever latent thought you had about me correct. Power-starved madness runs in my veins, and I am just as weak as they are. Congratulations. You win. Allura was right, and Voltron is all the better for it.

I care for you. And as angry as I am, I will continue to care for you. I admit that I made a mistake, and it cost me my life, and everything that I have ever worked for.

But don't ever make the mistake of thinking that that means that I need your damnable pity.

[instead, I fell in love.

for the entire wall of text that appears on the screen of her watch, it's that phrase she keeps focusing on. the tail end of a paragraph, but seemingly the center of the entire issue at hand. it's not a shock, not a surprise. he had alluded to this during their fight, but to see it spelled out, simple, straightforward--

it hurts. because deep down she knows she feels the same. knows that what he says is also, in part, the truth, because before his fight with Zarkon she did think him a monster, in a way she thought she had unlearned but simply couldn't.

and in knowing that all this would be easier to take if she kept thinking him as a monster.

but...she doesn't. she's horrified at what he's done, disgusted at the truth, knows full well what she said to him was, in part, a way she knew how to cut him down and hurt him in a way the true nature of his past hurt her. he had been a monster upon hearing what he did. when she confronted him in their room she did see a monster. but--

there's a lot she wants to say, but now she has no response.]

I do not pity you, Lotor. [~~I loved you too. perhaps even now I still...~~] And I do not truly believe you to be a monster.

I apologize; I should have left you alone following our correspondence. Asking Keith to reach out to you was a mistake.

[ he's about to snap at her again, for both obvious lies in her first message, but the apology abruptly mollifies him . . . mostly because it's a surprise. and, if he were honest with himself, completely undeserved. he was the one who ruined this, not her . . . but the apology abruptly puts this situation into perspective.

because, in the end, she is right. they must work together, to survive this asinine world. and there is no real reason to burm bridges here that he did (apparently) in their universe. here, lotor is in control. there is no rift, no quintessence, no kingdom to rule over, no society to save. he just has to exist.

put that way, it's oddly . . . freeing. but it still doesn't change the heavy weight in his chest, or the curl of anxiety in his fingertips, or the fury with himself (and his stupid fucking fake of a mother) for letting things go so horrifically wrong.

eventually, her watch beeps again, but instead of text, it's audio, and the familiar faintly-tinged exasperation of lotor's voice comes through. ]

You all just cannot leave well enough alone, can you.

[ he sounds tired. ]

I suppose that's what makes you such effective heroes.

[she's not prepared to hear his voice. after however many weeks of silence, with only the very few text messages between them following their falling out, she still feels a very visceral cut deep in her chest the moment he switches to audio.

she can tell he's tired. she is too, and though she tries to steel her voice away to something neutral, there's still a sharp intake of breath before she responds.]

We would not have gotten as far as we have were we the type to simply give up.

Giving up on saving me, or mitigating your damages? I'm not a fool, Allura.

[ his tone isn't accusatory. he genuinely does sound tired, and his voice is a little muffled -- he's lying on his bed, and the pillow is holding up his arm to speak into the watch, but it's a little awkwardly placed. he's not very concerned with sounding professional, anyway. it's a little too late for that.

but he isn't stupid. the paladins don't genuinely give a damn about him, and lotor can't really blame them. he doesn't particularly give a damn about them, either. but pretending that they care about how he feels is insulting. better to be honest, and admit they're afraid of him falling off the narrow edge of sanity, than put on this charade about caring about his feelings.

he's silent for a long moment. ]

I owe you an apology, and then some. For everything, but words are worthless in comparison to actions. Nothing will fix what I've done. [ he seems to genuinely mean that. ] But I want -- [ but he stops himself, considering his words before he continues. ] No, you owe me nothing. I apologize for taking this out on you, you aren't what caused my predicament. I'll leave you to your sleep.

[she's quiet on her end as well, a silence in tandem with his, to allow him to speak what's on his mind. it's to keep herself from acting stubborn or making any mistakes when it comes to whatever is happening between them.

but the tiredness of his voice has her aching and fighting the urge to reach out, which works in competition to knowing his dark history, what he kept from her, what he did to their fellow Alteans.

she's curled up in bed as well, laying on her side, looking down at her watch as Platt slumbers at the crook of her elbow. and when he speaks again, she's caught off-guard by the apology. by both apologies.

it's something she wasn't anticipating, and she bites down on her lip, to keep that hitch in her breath at bay, to stave away the ache that still remains deep in her chest.]

I am not going to give up on you, Lotor. [she says it quietly. tired seeping in despite her continued efforts to remain sounding distant. whatever happens at home, to him, to her, she knows things are different here.

and again, she thinks to what Shiro wants. which, in turn, echoes at the core of what she wants despite the twisting disgust of wishing she could simply see this as something black-and-white.] And your apology is noted. Appreciated.

[a pause.]

You should rest as well.

[ hearing the words i am not going to give up on you causes an odd twist in his chest, because when was the last time anyone told him that? or really believed in him that strongly to begin with? certainly no one from home, which really only defines why allura is so appealing. she is truly good. him, not so much.

he wants to go see her, but that's simply not an option. not yet, anyway. he doesn't particularly want to be alone, but he also doesn't want to force her to deal with the future that he created. it isn't allura's problem, really. and he also doesn't want to have to cope with allura struggling to pretend to be kind when she may not want to do that at all.

he taps a claw against the bed frame, to think through his options, quickly, before: ]

Are you actually going to sleep?

[ he won't.

he's also just going to delicately skip over the first part of what she said because dealing with that is too much on top of everything else he's currently sorting through. ]

[despite everything she's feeling, there's a light, almost incredulous laugh at his question, though it comes across as more of light exhale if anything. she shifts a bit in bed, to lay on her back, hand resting across her chest to keep the watch close.]

No, not for awhile at least.

[a pause. then, tentatively:]

Are you?

No; unable to sleep, I think.

[ an honest answer. he fully intends on staring at his ceiling until sleep claims him, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. he's not certain, though. it's difficult to shut off his brain, to tune out the constant theories, the struggle to piece together the truth of what's happened . . . ]

I was considering a walk near the outskirts of the forest, to clear my mind, when I called you.

[in another world, in a past where things were better, she'd have teased him. she knows full well people of their ilk are dreadful at falling asleep when something weighs heavy on the mind, but instead she remains looking up at the ceiling, a small, rueful smile on her face.

she's thinking to their first encounter here, in a clearing of the forest.]

Are you sure it is wise to wander near the forest so late at night? You may get lost.

I think I will be fine, both in handling the forest and in avoiding getting lost.

[ easily enough, and there is the sound of shifting -- movement. he's getting up. ]

My sense of direction hasn't been altered by my arrival in this dimension; I'm certain I can rely on it just as much as I did at home.

[ he pauses, though. ]

But you may join me, if you wish. I would not decline the company, if you were willing to offer it.

[she's quiet, still staring up at the ceiling as he extends an invitation for her to join, and she finds herself at a crossroads.

it's an uncertainty that this realm seems to offer, in a way that the universe back home had not. and...she misses him.

for all the wrongdoing he's kept hidden from her and the others, he's said his truths, laid bare how he feels, and she can't help but wonder if it's weakness that has her looking to his offer, taking his hand so to speak, and genuinely considering it.

it's not like she can truly avoid him here.

she balls her hand into a fist beneath her ribcage, flexing her fingers, and before she speaks there's the sound of her moving off her bed.]

I will have to get changed but-- I can accompany you.

[ the agreement is . . . a surprise. he had expected her to refuse him, to stop talking to him. but instead, allura is kid, and agrees to accompany him. to do what, exactly, lotor isn't sure. but it's seeing her, which already has him in brighter spirits.

weakness. utter weakness. as if allura would change anything here. but allura is here, and tangible, and able to be held. clutched in his fingers, even if she slips away in the future. stabilizing the itching in his fingertips to lash out against those who harmed him.

allura focuses his energy. it's what's needed, at the moment. ]

I am on the outskirts of the Temple, at the edge of the Forest. By the fighting arena.

[ quietly. ]

But I can certainly meet you halfway, if you want an escort.

[ as if allura needs defending. ]

[she thinks on it for a tick, still laying in bed. there's something to that offer of an escort that has her heart rate rising. from nerves, from something else, and she almost accepts it, shifting in bed to sit up, going to say something, and then stopping herself.

should anyone they know see them, it may give them the wrong idea. were it Keith, or Lance, or especially Shiro after having spoken to him about how their conversation had gone so wrong. they would think her falling for him again, for being weakminded, for--

she glances over at Platt, who remains sleeping despite his position being disturbed.]

We can convene near the arena. [she's quiet, and there's the sound of fabric shifting as she changes out of her sleepwear into something more appropriate for a late-night walk with a former... she bites back the thought. shuts her eyes to gather herself.]

I will see you in a few dobashes, Lotor.

[ the message is received, loud and clear, and lotor's silence is an agreement. so when allura leaves, and comes to the arena, she will find lotor seated on a portion of broken stone wall. unarmed -- more as a gesture of good faith, to her, but also because lotor is uninterested in dragging around an altean broadsword in the middle of the night when, honestly, he's not in the mood to fight.

he wants to sleep, truth be told, and ignore that today had ever happened. he should have never asked what happened to him (ignorance is bliss, so they say), but now that he knows, it cannot be undone. lotor spent a few hours feeling lost, angry, livid . . . but seeing allura approach produces a certain type of calm that washes over him.

a pointless calm. a temporary calm, maybe. a stay of inevitability. but she is here, which is more than lotor expected. perhaps he's not a lost cause after all. still, he makes no move to stand, instead speaking from his position sitting up on the wall: ]

The stars here make absolutely no sense.

[ he sounds a little tired, but he lets his eyes scan the skies. ]

They change at a rate that should be impossible, and yet, here they are.

[Allura's opted for a dress she managed to bring back from Struxta when she finally changes out of her sleepwear. something simple, loose, comfortable, and a bit familiar to more peaceful times. perhaps appearing un-armoured in front of someone who, back in their universe, had posed as a threat in the end, was foolish, she also knows deep down that Lotor here would not harm her.

that, for all his avoiding of the full truth, he truly has nothing to hide from her. that she still trusts him, his intentions, his presence...

even if, finding herself in his presence now, walking towards the arena to find his familiar tall form sitting calmly on a broken wall, has her heart aching in an indescribably way. a way that brings her to pause, to steady her breath even as her heart pounds up in her throat, awash with feelings for him she still hasn't sorted out.

so caught up in her unresolved feelings, it takes her a moment to realize he's talking, referencing the stars above, and as she approaches the wall, she turns to look up, following his line of sight, looking from unfamiliar star to the next. when she speaks, she too sounds tired.]

When I first arrived here, I found myself looking to the stars at night, trying to figure out just where in the galaxy this place may be. [a pause, and she leans against the wall, leaving a foot of space between them.] I'm unfortunately no cartographer. But...I have noticed the same.

This place is truly nowhere.

[ murmured to himself, keeping his eyes on the sky, not quite looking at her. he's not sure why he invited her out here, or why he insists on prolonging this charade. they're on opposite sides of the spectrum, now.

he is as good as alone, here. but in this moment, he isn't alone. allura came to sit with him, which means something. even if tomorrow it means nothing.

he's silent, for a moment or two, still staring up at the sky. ]

But I suppose it proves nothing is impossible, including accessing frozen pockets of time, outside of the normal realms of reality. The amount of power concealed in this world must be immense; it's fortunate, that the Galra haven't been able to find it.

[ hopefully they never will. ]

[biting the inside of her cheek, she shuts her eyes as he speaks, arms crossing over her chest to stave away the slight breeze of nighttime air. to calm the way her heart beats harsh in her chest.]

It makes you wonder how many places like this are out there. Beyond realities known. [her eyes open once more, and after focusing her gaze on a single star among the thousands, she finally turns to look at Lotor.

after weeks of avoiding him, she finally looks at him.

and quiznak, does it hurt.]

You... [her voice stutters a bit, and she glances away, shrugging her arms up as though she were cold.] You said you wished to walk?

Countless.

[ murmured, in response to her first statement, his eyes still on the stars. there are multiple alternate universes, and many he's discovered the linings of, in his research and travels. but lotor feels allura's eyes on him, and he glances toward her just in time for her to glance away.

it tugs at him, quietly. how she won't look at him, or converse with him. eager to change the subject, to move it along. to get to the point as to why they were here. but she was here, wasn't she? which meant something.

somewhere, anyway.

lotor eases himself off of sitting on the wall, landing on his feet gracefully. ]

I was planning on walking around the perimeter of the Temple before returning to sleep, if you wished to join me.

[ repeating why they're here, because it obviously isn't for any other reason. ]

Otherwise, I could walk you back to your dwelling, and resume my walk alone. Whatever you wish to do.

[her being here does mean something. she may not know what, but it is something. and though she remains avoiding to look at him for another moment, as he offers to walk her back to her room she does turn her gaze back to him.

composed. swallowing back whatever feelings may be rising in lieu of his easy, courteous manner of speaking.]

I do wish to join you. [her hands drop down, clasped before her.] Walking alone this late at night sounded...lonely; you can use the company.

[a pause. an indecipherable look. searching for an answer, a reasoning to why she agreed to join him, and her shoulders drop. a moment of vulnerability.]

As can I.

[because she's lonely. in a way that the others could not possibly understand. in a way that had made it so easy for her to fall for him long before she learned of his past.

she will not fall for him again, she is making certain of that. but...there will always be that pull towards him she's not felt with anyone else. their experience together on Oriande, it feels almost tethering.]

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